Sunday, September 12, 2010

Seems Incredible

Seems incredible to me that I haven't posted since July 27. To those who like to read my blog, I'm sorry I've fallen down on the job.

A lot has happened since July 27. Boyd and I are no longer at Ink Dimensions shop. He was undergoing medical treatments on his stomach that made it almost impossible to work. His treatments are done & right now we're working on getting into a new shop, closer for both of us than Ink Dimensions was. Meanwhile I also took my Bloodborne Pathogens class and passed it with a perfect score, for getting my apprentice license. Since there is no piercing apprentice license, I can apprentice for that at the same time & get both full licenses the end of May next year.

My son Allen went in the Marines. We've received one letter from him and he seems to be coping with the boot camp alright. Our thoughts and prayers are with him as he goes through this ordeal.

Richard and I are definitely getting a divorce. He's taken over Allen's apartment. No sense it sitting there with Allen owing rent on it for potentially 6 months. We had the forms printed for the marriage dissolution and came to agreeable terms on who gets what and how much and how long for and what to do with the kids. We signed them and had them notarized on Friday. I'm filing them this coming Wednesday.

For now, while I'm still not earning any money from my apprenticeship, it's going to be tight. The kids and I will have what we need but there probably won't be any extra, so I have to pray the car tires hold up and nobody has any cavities and wonder what in the world I'm going to do about Christmas. I can make gifts for a lot of us but not sure I have enough time in the world. There have been many Christmases past when it looked like there wouldn't be any money for presents but we made it through, so I'm sure this year will be no different.

To tell you the truth, I hate to sound mean but I'm so emotionally done with our marriage, and he's been dragging his feet leaving. I understand, because he's older, and hasn't done anything much for himself for almost 3 decades. Probably scary to think of having to pay bills (me too) and make food and be alone (me too). I know he doesn't really want to leave. But taking a long time to do so is only prolonging the inevitable, and really inducing a lot of anxiety in me.

He's been off for several days, and has been puttering around here, busily fixing things that he should have been working on for the last 4 years. Suddenly he wants to make sure everything works right for us since he'll be gone. But it's overwhelming to me, the number of things that need to be done (how many months will he be coming back with a toolbox) and the fact that now I'm gonna be a single mom, working so I won't be here even to work on things and with no resources to hire them done. And his trying to fill in that gap suddenly is overwhelming to me too. Today I started crying about it, though I know that tears don't help anything. Just bear with me, alright?

He moved his dresser out yesterday, and his toiletries, and Veronica slept in my room because he wanted to go to bed earlier than I did. Today I rearranged the bedroom furniture to reflect where I like things and wondered if he'd ever leave. Again I'm not trying to be mean. Just wanting to move on with things, find my space in my house & start my life from here.

Tonight he left. He told the kids that he'd be back tomorrow (2 more days off) to see them & work on some stuff. He hugged me goodbye and was gone. I am alone. Seems incredible.

And I'm okay, really. I'm a little sad but I'll work through it in a minute. Just bear with me, alright?


Teresa said...

Soon you will be finding the 'new' normal. You'll be ok. You know that, but I just wanted to say it anyway. Big hugs to you and the kiddos. Send my best wishes to your Marine. said...

Wow.............. is all I can say. If you need anything let me know. I Love you Nikki and the kids and know this is so difficult no matter how you look at it. Keep in mind God is right there every step of the way guideing you through this. Listen to him even when its hard to know what he is saying. Tons of hugs Marion

earthmama said...

I found you via twitter and have begun to read your blog and I want to tell you that even though I do not know you as a fellow hardworking mama I feel proud knowing you seem to have a firm grasp on what is important. You're some kind of awesome! :)