Sunday, June 20, 2010

Things My Dad Said

In honor of Father's Day, I've been posting #thingsmydadsaid on Twitter. I've compiled the list, which is below. Thanks dad, for your sage advice & funny words over the years!

  • "I bought you a motorcycle."
  • "Don't touch the pipes. They're hot."
  • "What do you need art supplies for?"
  • "I can pull that tooth for you. Go get my water-pump pliers. They're the ones with the bent pincers."
  • "If everybody jumped off a bridge, would you?"
  • "You can ride the motorcycle on the road after you ride up and down this gravel-road hill 300 times in 1st gear."
  • "Go cook something. Your mom's tired."
  • "You wanna go WHERE?"
  • "There could be something living under that bed of yours & you'd never know it"
  • "Come out here & help me bleed these brakes..."
  • "What am I, a bank?"
  • "Nikki, your problem is you just don't care"
  • "Where did you put my tools?"
  • "Marry them for their money, bc the rest, the all have." (Did I freekin' LISTEN? Noooo)
  • "Nobody buys a cow if they get milk for free."
  • "Plug in a nightlight. The dark could be deadly." (I like my house as dark as a CAVE at night, LOL)
  • "Shut your drapes. It pays to advertise."
  • "You can't live on peanut-butter & jelly and spaghettios."
  • "I have to run over to Booty Black's house & pick up some parts."
  • "You can pick your friends. And you can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose."
  • "Does Jacki live here now? or did I miss something?"
  • "Never go barefoot. I stepped on a bee when I was six." (I only wear shoes when I have to)
  • "You shouldn't get a tattoo. Though tattoos are some really beautiful art."
  • "Never call me from jail. You'll sit there because I'm not gonna post your bond."
  • "He needs 2 hats like that stupid one. One to crap in, and the other to cover it up with."
  • "Your mom doesn't like the way you're behaving. Now *I* have to start going to church."
  • "Don't put anything in writing if you wouldn't want to read it in the newspaper."
  • "Don't wear name labels. They should pay YOU for advertising for them instead of you paying extra to wear their name"
  • "Get up and DO something. Even if it's wrong."
  • "You need a new overhead cam in the truck. This is the LAST money I'm gonna spend on it."
  • "Do you realize what ADIDAS means?" (yeah, if you're eleven...)
  • "Take your mom's hand-me-downs. If they don't fit, they will." (over my dead body, LOL)
  • "If you don't have the receipt, you can't return it."
  • "You have so much art in you! You could have made a lot of money! But you've wasted your life wiping butts & noses instead"
  • "Is that tattoo a stick-on?"
  • "So, have you wrecked the bike yet?"
  • Tuesday, June 1, 2010

    You Don't Know Who I Am

    I am on twitter, and I tweet a lot. I have over 2000 followers & I'm following almost an equal amount. I try to engage those I see in my timeline, because I know from experience that people want to feel important and like somebody notices them and cares about them. At varying times on twitter I've had people tell me I'm smart, funny, hot, a good mom, sexy, caring.

    Today I mentioned I didn't get to call my dr. because I didn't have alone-time, and a new follower but apparent twitter expert said of course that's hard to do if you're tweeting all the time.

    Today I spent 5 hrs in the car, taking one in for repairs and doing errands. I had one kid with me, then all 5 still at home with me. When I wasn't in the car, I was at home, with all the kids. I didn't even get my usual walk today, which at least affords me a short motorcycle ride & 40 freeking minutes alone. There are things you don't talk to your woman-doctor about while surrounded by your kids.

    The comment struck a sore nerve, because this person doesn't know me at all. He doesn't know that I tweet, then kiss my 3yo's stubbed toe, or wipe her butt, or help her brush her teeth. Or maybe I tweet, and make 5 sandwiches for lunch, put in a load of laundry, sort mail, & tweet.

    He doesn't know that I'm smart, yes, I even have a genius IQ, but my husband talks to me like I am so stupid I can't think to look for a kid's shoes until he comes home so I can ask him. Or that he's talked to me like that, with words that cut me to the core, for more than 20 years.

    He doesn't know that I'm funny because people appreciate humor and because nobody wants to hear me whining about all the weird crap that happens at my house, or how bad my marriage is, or about trying to keep our heads above water on 30K a year with no aid and 13K in medical bills and about $15 a day grocery budget to feed 7 ppl (12 if all the kids/grands are here).

    Maybe he doesn't realize that I'm "hot" literally because we only turn our air on for 4 hours a day in our 90-degree climate so that we can afford the bill. And he doesn't see that in the heat, I'm trying to maintain a clean and organized VERY small home with 7 people's stuff in it but no place to put anything, even bins of stored out-of-season clothing, blankets, etc. because my hoarder husband has every available storage space stuffed to the gills.

    He doesn't know that I'm a good mom, homeschooling my kids and teaching the distracted 9yo to read again EVERY DAMN DAY, helping one kid with algebra at the same time as helping one kid with division (in between tweets, of course, since that's really all I do).

    One of my kids graduated a year early, with honors... another just swore in with the Marines and the one currently graduating is going to Culinary Institute of America in January in NY, if we can get a Pell grant. I have four more kids yet to go through school. But Mr. Twitter Critic doesn't know that, doesn't see that. He doesn't know how much sacrifice it has been to raise 7 kids on one very small salary so that I could have intelligent, witty, sensible, hard-working kids.

    He doesn't know that I'm sexy because I have worked damn hard to keep myself in good shape, to hold myself together physically to as high a standard as I can. And I have done that because the ONLY time in my life that I feel validated, wanted, worthy, sexy or loved is in bed, because that is the ONLY time my husband doesn't talk down to me like a non-person.

    He doesn't know that I am a caring person because I crave someone to care about me, for me, and not because I am so-and-so's mom or Richard's wife or the lady who brought them fresh muffins or just the lady with too many kids.

    The truth is, so many people like me and don't even know me. If you're on social media, please think twice before you comment something that you think is funny but is actually cutting and unkind. You may not know who that person really is.