Tuesday, June 1, 2010

You Don't Know Who I Am

I am on twitter, and I tweet a lot. I have over 2000 followers & I'm following almost an equal amount. I try to engage those I see in my timeline, because I know from experience that people want to feel important and like somebody notices them and cares about them. At varying times on twitter I've had people tell me I'm smart, funny, hot, a good mom, sexy, caring.

Today I mentioned I didn't get to call my dr. because I didn't have alone-time, and a new follower but apparent twitter expert said of course that's hard to do if you're tweeting all the time.

Today I spent 5 hrs in the car, taking one in for repairs and doing errands. I had one kid with me, then all 5 still at home with me. When I wasn't in the car, I was at home, with all the kids. I didn't even get my usual walk today, which at least affords me a short motorcycle ride & 40 freeking minutes alone. There are things you don't talk to your woman-doctor about while surrounded by your kids.

The comment struck a sore nerve, because this person doesn't know me at all. He doesn't know that I tweet, then kiss my 3yo's stubbed toe, or wipe her butt, or help her brush her teeth. Or maybe I tweet, and make 5 sandwiches for lunch, put in a load of laundry, sort mail, & tweet.

He doesn't know that I'm smart, yes, I even have a genius IQ, but my husband talks to me like I am so stupid I can't think to look for a kid's shoes until he comes home so I can ask him. Or that he's talked to me like that, with words that cut me to the core, for more than 20 years.

He doesn't know that I'm funny because people appreciate humor and because nobody wants to hear me whining about all the weird crap that happens at my house, or how bad my marriage is, or about trying to keep our heads above water on 30K a year with no aid and 13K in medical bills and about $15 a day grocery budget to feed 7 ppl (12 if all the kids/grands are here).

Maybe he doesn't realize that I'm "hot" literally because we only turn our air on for 4 hours a day in our 90-degree climate so that we can afford the bill. And he doesn't see that in the heat, I'm trying to maintain a clean and organized VERY small home with 7 people's stuff in it but no place to put anything, even bins of stored out-of-season clothing, blankets, etc. because my hoarder husband has every available storage space stuffed to the gills.

He doesn't know that I'm a good mom, homeschooling my kids and teaching the distracted 9yo to read again EVERY DAMN DAY, helping one kid with algebra at the same time as helping one kid with division (in between tweets, of course, since that's really all I do).

One of my kids graduated a year early, with honors... another just swore in with the Marines and the one currently graduating is going to Culinary Institute of America in January in NY, if we can get a Pell grant. I have four more kids yet to go through school. But Mr. Twitter Critic doesn't know that, doesn't see that. He doesn't know how much sacrifice it has been to raise 7 kids on one very small salary so that I could have intelligent, witty, sensible, hard-working kids.

He doesn't know that I'm sexy because I have worked damn hard to keep myself in good shape, to hold myself together physically to as high a standard as I can. And I have done that because the ONLY time in my life that I feel validated, wanted, worthy, sexy or loved is in bed, because that is the ONLY time my husband doesn't talk down to me like a non-person.

He doesn't know that I am a caring person because I crave someone to care about me, for me, and not because I am so-and-so's mom or Richard's wife or the lady who brought them fresh muffins or just the lady with too many kids.

The truth is, so many people like me and don't even know me. If you're on social media, please think twice before you comment something that you think is funny but is actually cutting and unkind. You may not know who that person really is.

13 comments:

Jackie said...

(((Hugs))) I don't have to know everything about you to appreciate you. Because I don't, and I do. Your tweets liven my day. :) And every day I learn a bit more about you...which is how friendships are forged.

ReaZ said...

That is a very fine post. I know a bit about ya since you've shared some of your struggles with me. I think you're an awesome person being able to deal with everything you have to put up with and still manage to, most of the time, have a fairly positive outlook in the end. Don't let those that don't matter effect you. I know sometimes that is hard, but it is about the only way to handle the world anymore.

Pam said...

Wanted to leave you with my love and prayers as well!

Desiree said...

People suck. Screw 'im.

Dawana said...

THAT'S RIGHT GIRL! You fuckin' tell him!

Andrea said...

Mr. Tweet Critic needs to be blocked, I think.

You rock, woman, and for every critic, there are 100 ppl who think you're awesome.

Andrea (@shutterbitch)

Velvet said...

I don't know "know" you but I enjoy reading your blog and think you're amazing!

Mommab@sbcglobal.net said...

Nikki,
We have been sending packages back and forth for a couple of years now. We chat online about every other day and sometimes every day. I know you are a Beautiful, sexy, holesome, Religous, Funny,Best mom in the world,and I can go on forever Woman. Don't let some Whole Ass get under your skin. He is not worth a hill of beans. You are loved by many INCLUDING ME!!! I LOVE YOu for what you are who you are and in my eyes your awsome and When I grow up I would love to be like you! I LOVE YOU Girl!!! I love your kids. Not sure I am too happy with your hubby sorry. I am here for you let me know if I can do anything!!! Marion

Emily said...

Great post! Don't let the naysayers bring you down. You sound like an amazing woman!

Rachel Kovaciny said...

Excellent rant! I hope you sent Twitter Twit a link to it.

Also, I know men like your husband and I wish I didn't. Grr.

Deborah said...

Just found you on Twitter and read your blog. I am sorry that this unkind person made such a comment. I don't know you but, after reading this I would like to get to know you more. You sound like a wonderful person and I look forward to following you on twitter! Peace and Blessings!

Nora said...

You're amazing.

Tracey. said...

I'm quietly glad that you got that tweet, as it prompted you to write this post which made me cry.
Everybody has so much going on in their lives that they twitter in between. I use it alot more than FB because I use it to vent my frustrations alot and I have family and 2 of my kids on FB. My vents are usually against the kids that I don't want them to read.

Your blog post has made me think about what I reply in tweets as I am usually a sacrcastic person, but without malice and I would hate someone to take my reply in a way I haven't intended. My husband even says I don't do nice, I do sarcasm. Never meant nastily though.

I have to agree with Nora above me...you are amazing, sometimes its nice to read a blog to get an insight of the 'twitters' life. thankyou for being so open.